Why is it so hard for me (and some others) to accept love and forgiveness from God through Jesus Christ? There are some things that I have done in my life that I am utterly ashamed of. I have confessed those sins and heard the words of absolution but I still struggle. In my mind I know that God forgives me but in my heart I question. This leaves a wide open door for the devil to attack me and to bring me down in guilt and shame.
What could be so serious a sin so as to cause these inner battles? In a word - birth control. In our early marriage, my wife and I used many different forms of artificial contraception and this practice proved very harmful to her good health. That is one of the reasons I feel such guilt - that I could have been hard hearted enough to practice something that would eventually harm her. The other reason is much more serious, at least for me. As I look back on my married life I KNOW we should have had more children. My wife has said the same thing. There is no more terrible regret for me than this because I cannot go back and undo it. I hope any young married person reading this will consider their choices carefully and stay open to life (in reasonable and holy ways) throughout their marriage.
But the reality is this. Jesus loves me now and he loved me even then. His will for me was much different from the way I lived but He walked with me anyway. And He walks with you. Regardless of what we have done, no matter what our worst sin is, Jesus stands ready to forgive in love. So I pray that God's love will penetrate into those deep recesses of my heart and that I will be open to that love. And I pray that any shame or guilt you are dealing with from your past will receive that same healing touch.
Peace.
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