Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A Full Life?????

Boston Daniel Devlin
January 9 - March 17, 2015
Exactly one week ago at this very moment I was standing in an emergency room at a local hospital watching the staff do everything they could do to revive a person who had stopped breathing. As I stood there I prayed FERVENTLY that God would put the breath of life back into this person and that we could all leave knowing that everything was going to be OK - job well done!
That didn't happen. The person died despite heroic effort and heart felt prayer. By the way, the person was my 2 month old great nephew, Boston Daniel. As I prayed I was holding on to my niece, Boston's mother Sara. Boston died for absolutely no apparent reason. He was healthy, he was happy, he was well cared for and was well loved - he simply quit breathing. Although an autopsy was done the likely outcome will be "SIDS".
We had a 'nice' funeral and a nice luncheon and everyone went their own way but something remains with me - I AM ANGRY!!! I am mad at God for taking this little life from his mother. I am angry because I've had to watch my brother (one of the toughest men in the world) be reduced to a blubbering mass of tears, heartache and grief. I am angry because of what this has done to my niece, the one who chose life for Boston. I am mad because one of the holiest women I know is now swimming in a sea of doubt and confusion. I am angry because good prayers are supposed to be answered - aren't they? I prayed that God would spare this little one. When that wasn't working I started to bargain with God. I told him to take me instead - if someone needs to die better a 57 year old man than a 68 day old boy, right!? I am angry because NOTHING WORKED.
So, what should I do with that anger? I know I have to take it to God. It doesn't do much good to be mad at someone and then tell everyone in the world except the one you're mad at. So, I've been talking to God - a lot. Although I still haven't gotten over my anger, I have heard a couple of replies from God that I'm still mulling over. First, God assured me that Boston's 68 days was a full life. He reminded me that the deepest human desire is to love and be loved - Boston experienced that every day from his mommy and grandparents and aunt and big brother (and others). Second,  God "said" that he understands my anger very well - he watched Jesus die a violent, humiliating and painful death on the cross. And third, as I asked God for understanding he replied that it would be better for me if I didn't understand. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean I just hope I can accept it someday.
Some of my friends think I'm having a crisis of faith - nothing could be further from the truth. The God with whom I'm angry is the God that gave me the ability to be angry, to be rational and to be irrational. The same God that created the heavens and earth and Boston created me. That God is patient and understanding and has been loving me all the way through this terrible situation. I can't imagine it being any other way.

1 comment:

  1. Better is one day in HIS courts than a thousand elsewhere. PS 84:10

    May God hold you and yours close...